


Don't Let Go

by lilbuztahs



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor dosent actually die, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, and therapy, he just gets close, i cant let him die, im sorry, let my live in my gay dream, these boys are just tired and need friends, tons of therapy, treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 22:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10796115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilbuztahs/pseuds/lilbuztahs
Summary: Connor's self-help is smoking ten blunts then punching a hole in his wall.Evan's self-help is laying on his bed dissassosiating for 5 hours untill he passes out.A close encounter causes the world to crash around them, people seem to pay a bit more attention to them and the boys cant seem to tell if its for the good, or for the worst.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A very short chapter to start us out with :}

 

Connor stares blankly at his celing, one foot hangs out his bedroom window, his hand holding a slowly dying blunt. His vision fades in and out as he tries to recall the names of the constellations hanging in the sky above him, he blows a puff of smoke out and sighs running his eyes over Evan's note one last time before shoving it into his pocket and taking the last drag out of the blunt.

Twisting it painfully into his arm to put it out, he looks over his arms at the several burn marks that litter his arms, complimented by fresh and old slashes up and down his wrists. He sighs and looks back up into the sky before letting go of the window pane.

* * *

 

Evan tugs on his stripped polo shirt as he walks with Jared to first period. He feels panic shoot through him as they walk past the library, he remembers his encounter with Connor yesterday, he couldn't explain himself about the letter and made a huge fool of himself and oh my god what if connor tells zoe then zoe will know about how weird and creepy he is and everyone will know hes a freak and th-

**"Are you even listening to me?"**

Evan jumps, being pushed back into reality, he stared at Jared with wide eyes.

"Uh.. so-sorry." He stuttered.

Jared gave him a very unimpressed look and rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, as I was saying..."

Evan let himself fade back into his thoughts, instead going over trivia of native trees in his area. Letting his mind go into the menial tasks that keep his mind occupied and dark thoughts away. Eventually he stumbled to his first period and quietly sat down in his seat. People's eyes trailed him across the room and he feels an uneasy feeling build in his throat.

The class was loud, louder than usual. He felt like he heard them say his name several times. Voices all around him engulfed him and suffocated him, his classmates turned into vast black pillars that stared at him with judgmental eyes and crooked smiles. They kept getting closer and closer and oh god what if they knew. Evan clasps his eyes shut repeating "its okay" over and over mentally, nervously picking at his cast, trying to get a decent grasp on his breathing. In 7 hold 10 out 7, repeat.

Alana places her hand tentatively on Evan's shoulder and he looks up at her.

"Hey Evan, are you alright?" She says in what sounds like false concern.

Evan looks away' rubbing his arm.

"Y-yeah, I'm good."

"That's good! If you ever need anything I am here!"

She finishes with a giant smile and walks to the front of the classroom, sitting in one of the front desks. Even groans, pulling out a piece of paper, and writing whatever comes to his head.

_Dear Evan Hanson,_

_Today's not going to be a good day because it hasn't even been an hour and you have already gotten close to breaking down two times. People keep looking at you, Zoe probably thinks you're a freak and so does everyone else. Jared is getting sick of dealing with you all the time and Connor will most likely beat you up next time he sees you because like everyone else he thinks you're freakin creepy and weird._

_Sincerely, Me_

**  
Evan Hanson, please report to the main office**.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Stumbling nervously to the main office, Evan picks at his backpack straps and scuffs his shoes walking into the office. Looking at the secretary before mumbling something about being called down. She nods and points down the hall.

Truly, Evan Hanson was in pure panic mode. His brain seemed to have flatlined. No thoughts were running in his mind at that very moment and it was very reminiscent of the times he found himself disassociating for hours on end with no particular cause.

His body opens the door at the end of the hall and looks up. A woman and man sit in the chairs across from the principal, they all turn to look when he walks in. His reeling brain cant seem to connect the man and woman with anyone he knows. He gulps, tucking his cast a bit closer to himself. The woman seems to choke a bit sadly. An awkward silence fills the air for a moment before Evan looks down going to close the door.

"S-sorry, i- I guess I go-got the wrong room..."

"Evan Hanson?" The principal inquires. Evan hesitantly nods slightly.

"You're in the right place Evan, Sit down in join us."

Evan sits down in the last available chairs, and tucks his hands across his chest. Holding himself slightly, he tries not to stare a hole into the carpet. He fails.

"Im sorry about calling you down so suddenly but it seems that we have had a... complication last night." The principal continues.

"This is Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, Connors parents. You see... Connor tried to..."

He uncomfortably cleared his throat.

"...he tried to take his life last night."

Evan jerked his head up suddenly, Connor. Oh heck.

"You see... they. They found this note that was most likely a suicide note. It was addressed to you."

The principal passed Evan a dirty crumpled piece of paper. His hands shook as he unwrapped his note to himself. His mouth started moving in shock.

"I- i um , this is- ithis letter- is"

His voice warbled. He just wanted to tell them that this was his letter! That it was an assignment from his therapist. He just wanted to put it out there- wanted them to know the truth! So they knew but the words kept getting caught in his throat. Mrs.Murphy placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I know.." she choked out. A tear running down her cheek, "its hard to understand. We are all struggling with the news."

Her face curls up into a sad smile.

"You must have been a good friend of Connor for him to be able to confide in you like this..."

Evans eyes fell back down to the paper, his hands were shaking intensely and he couldn't seem to get his thoughts together. He felt tears build up but he couldn't pinpoint why. His shoulders shake silently and Mrs. Murphy holds his hand and cries with him.

 

* * *

 

Evan looks up at the tall tan building, there is bars on some of the windows and he gulps. Walking up to the doors as they slide open for him he looks down at the ground and walks up to the front desk. He takes a deep breath and places the vase of flowers on the desk.

"Um- is. Is Connor Murphy in this hospital?"

The secretary looks up at Evan, types a few things into the computer and nods.

"Yes, Connor is being held currently. However, he is not taking any visitors at the moment. Family only at this time."

"Thats fine! Mm. I've brought these for him, if it would be alright, could you have someone bring it to him. I mean if you cant then thats fine! I understand i-"

"Its okay boy. When the nurse stops by I will have them bring them to your friend."

"I-if its not too much, th-thank you" he mumbled. Before stepping away and walking back outside. A car recklessly drove to the front screeching out in front of him. He flinched, then climbed in.

"Alright we did your dumb errand, gimme the gas money."

Evan stumbled to pull out the 10 dollars that he knew jared wasn't actually going to spend on gas and places it into Jared's open hand. He snaps his gum and before Evan can even put on his seatbelt he slams on the gas and recklessly pulls out of the hospital parking lot.

"Anyway, so why did you do this anyway, who do you even know thats in the hospital? Did you just go to drop flowers off for your mom, cause man thats really gay."

"N-no! I just... somebody got hurt. I wanted to you know. Show I cared."

Jared gave Evan a really weird look and Evan fidgeted in his seat. Rolling his eyes, Jared goes back to driving recklessly.

In a very fast and dangerous minute Jared slammed on the breaks in front of Evans house and waved him out. Evan leaped out, never being happier to be on safe flat not moving ground and walked the path up to the door, unlocking it and getting inside. He sits at the table and takes out the letter he was working on earlier.

_Dear Evan Hanson,_

_This is the second letter of the day and im not sure if that is a good sign or bad. Today we learned that Connor is sorta in a similar situation as you. You figured that you should send him some flowers cause people who get hurt like to feel special and feel like people care. Right? You left your email there so maybe if he wanted he could send you a message. But most likely he would just throw it away, because honestly who wouldn't? Today you spend the day in a daze like you're actually just walking out of your body. You're not complaining though because if you were in you're body today you probably would have jumped out of another tree. Oh well._

_Sincerely, Me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry about the quality of my writing, im trying my best but its hard to channel my energy into writing something or even come up with ideas for the fic.
> 
> I wanna keep a layer of realism during this fic, but im just kinda swarmed with life


End file.
